Here are three quick tips to make your writing more effective (as shown in the revised message):
(1) Use Paragraphs Effectively
Each paragraph should contain one key point. A long paragraph with several key points is difficult to read and understand.
(2) Omit or Replace Unnecessary Words and Phrases
“Attached please find” and “As you can see” are pompous and unnecessary. They add bulk without adding meaning. Remove or replace them.
(3) Avoid Long Sentences
There are two ways to do this:
(a) Break a long sentence into shorter sentences.
(b) Remove unnecessary words (e.g.: “unless you decide to schedule something else on that day”)
Apply these tips to see an immediate improvement to your business writing.